SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman
HAILING from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.
So, the duds from Powderlife approached me again this week with a question that has been flooding my email: “Stirls, how do you go about picking up chicks?” It’s a bit like Colonel Sanders giving away his secret herbs and spices, or Luke Skywalker explaining ‘The Force’. Let’s just say old Goldy does a combination of both, with some secret herbs and spices to prepare and season, and then a little bit of force with the light saber.\
What I am about to pen is virtually religion. So much so that if Jesus was around he would have added it in his Testament and included me as his No. 1 disciple, but the other 12 sheep would probably have started following me. After all it is written by a God of sorts… one S. Goldman. Gentleman prepare and ladies once again be pampered, for here are 10 tips on how Stirls gets the girls.
1) Don’t go too hard too early. How often have you seen the guy who has had a few too many early on doing seemingly well only to be a dribbling mess by 11pm? So, let some other punter be your fall guy – unless it’s me, then you should try another pub.
2) Don’t leave your run too late. Unless you look like Goldman, who manages to pull the hottie, all you will be left with after 2am is usually tragic… and wide.
3) Be arrogant. If that doesn’t work be more arrogant. Ladies say they hate it, but secretly they love it. Tell them they want you. For me, it’s always the case, but even for the wannabes after a few drinks they’ll start to believe it.
4) Pretend to listen even if they are boring you senseless. Treat them like they’re the only women in the world. For about three hours. Then again for another three hours.
5) Once you have locked in some physical touch, work quickly to get horizontal. If you procrastinate one of her less popular friends will be jealous and talk her out of it.
6) Always play safe… for you don’t want to get itchy and scratchy, or worse. A career-ending injury.
7) Never pick up a taken woman. Let it be someone else’s baggage. Conversely, don’t cheat. Ask Tiger – the depletion in his savings account ain’t due to the GFC.
8) Mention you know or have hung with Goldman, even if you don’t or haven’t. It’s bound to get you somewhere. Just look at Turtle and Drama on Entourage.
9) If you’re bald or a ranga, wear a beanie. If you’re fat, keep your jacket on. It’s a bar, not a circus freak show.
10) If you’re rejected, just walk away. No one likes a sore loser. I don’t know what rejection feels like, but I’ve been told walking away is the best option in such a situation.
Hope this helps. While it’s gospel, it will never get you as far as me, the real deal. Happy skiing, punters!
Got a question for a man who knows? Fire it to [email protected]