SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman
HAILING from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.
So this is Niseko, and what have you done? Another year over… and Goldman’s still number one. Yes punters, I’m back by popular demand for the final column of the season, for all those wannabes that wannabe me, and all the ladies that wannabe on me.
Well, certainly an interesting week in the life of one S. Goldman. Sometimes a king falls from his throne. Yes, that’s right punters, Goldman has acquired three new words in his vocabulary: ‘season-ending injury’.
So, the task was simple – go into the jump switch in waist-deep snow, pop off the 20-foot mushroom that had Mount Yotei in the background, pull a Rodeo 720, all while smiling for the cameras, giving a thumbs-up and bicep flex. Pretty simple stuff.
My preparation was flawless – 48 beers and satisfying ladies until the early hours. Another day in the life of… Anyway, all was going well, I pulled the trick, kept the photographers happy with the pose, and landed. But then disaster struck. Upon landing, one of my skis got caught under a tree root that had reared its ugly head. A little bit like a less than favourable lady that hits the perimeter of my dance floor after 2am. I felt instant pain in my knee as it twisted and I released out of my ski. It was at that moment that I knew Mother Nature had brought the world’s greatest skier back to reality. I didn’t fall, for we all know Goldman never falls. I just kept skiing down to the bottom on one ski – backwards – to keep the crowds happy.
Arriving back in town, I made my way down to my buddies at Niseko Physio. I kept smiling for the crowds, stopping for autographs, and photos with the ladies – for even my immense pain was not going to stop me making someone’s holiday. Goldman is a giver, not a taker. The words from the physio table were not good, “…torn ACL, surgery and end of season.” I had to have it explained a few times, for in all my years the thought of not being able to ski was foreign to me. The thought of my machine-like body failing was even more foreign.
The calls started to flood in once the news spread. Newspapers, magazines, sponsors, TV channels, old flings, wannabe flings. All were in shock. It’s been a few days and the ladies are flocking in sympathy, so I can’t say it’s been all bad. Even though I’m off the hill, I have managed to ride a few bumps during the day, if you get my drift? I’m booked for surgery in about a month. The sponsors remain happy as it won’t mean stopping any commitments with my modelling. They’ll just have to focus on my chiselled upper body for a while – it’s just simple logic.
Enjoy your off-season, punters!
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