SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman
HAILING from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.
PEOPLE often ask me is my main focus in life just to ski all day and serenade the ladies? They ask whether that’s all Stirling has to offer, and whether he is a self-absorbed, arrogant wanker like his column reads.
Now, while I understand how people may think this, and I admit a large portion of my time is spent juggling ladies, beer and powder, Stirling does give back to the community more than you would think, for a man of such stature has to. The sponsors like it, the ski resorts love it, and the ladies see my emotional side and come flocking… as per usual. So, what is it that Stirls does to be such a good Samaritan? Here’s a highlights reel of some of my finest work (outside of that Swedish swimsuit model from last weekend):
*Teaching disadvantaged Ainu kids to go from snow-plough to lightning speeds whilst knee deep… and backwards. The smile on their faces is all the reward I need.
*Giving lectures to the Japanese locals and seasonal gaijin on the importance of garbage separation for a greater world.
*Donating myself for medical research for a liver biopsy (with no anaesthetic) to an alcohol research group looking into how some very special humans have a freakish capacity to down 48 beers in a single evening session. There’s talk of a second study from the same research group into how these people manage to be physically active all night and still dominate the powder from first lifts. The chief researcher tells me that while I am suitable, there is an apparent lack of further subjects.
*Planting trees in the Baw Baw off season (during my Niseko powder time, I might add), not to have better tree runs in the winter, but rather to aid the environment.
*Appearing on The Biggest Loser: Winter Edition with a cameo appearance as the personal trainer offering advice how to get in shape. Rumour has it the ratings went through roof and they were trying to sign me up for the next series. Stirls declined, for it’s not all about him.
So, as you can see, Stirls is more prevalent in your community than you may have thought. It’s not all just poise on the ski fields, finesse with the ladies and strength like no other with the beers. From the rubbish bin to the Ainu kids and the Baw Baw tree runs, a little bit of Stirls is rubbing off on you everywhere. And if you don’t feel it is, well, just ask the ladies after midnight, for that is when Stirls is rubbing off on them. Happy skiing, punters.
Got a question for a man who knows? Fire it to [email protected].