SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman
HAILING from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.
EVERY year around January 26th – Australia Day – Stirls’ phone starts to run hot with an endless amount of calls inquiring about what his movements are to celebrate the day. Whether it be a ski magazine (usually those punters from Powderlife), an old fling, a wannabe fling, or a few guys looking to carve some powder with Stirls, the phone keeps running hot.
But for Stirls, to be honest, it is just another day. While I’m proud of my country and heritage, when I’m in Japan I respect their way, and hence it is just another day of doing what I do here best – being the best there is on powder, dominating the ladies after hours, and knocking back a cheeky 48 beers. All in a civilised manner.
But whenever I am in Japan on Australia Day there are always wankers that think they are super-cool, talking about how Stirls should want to get in on their shenanigans. Why would I want to wear my boardies in sub-zero temperatures traipsing down the road with a flag draped on my shoulders showing off some crappy tatt of the Southern Cross? For we all know, taking my shirt off only melts the snow with my hot aura. Why would I want to do a nudie run? We all know it attracts more ladies, which only creates more dilemmas for me. Why would I want to sing Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi! in the streets? I don’t need a chant to inform people when I’m around. Why would I want to get in a fight? Stirling is a lover (the best there is at that), not a fighter.
To be honest, it is this behaviour that makes Goldman ashamed to be an Australian. And trust me, I am a very proud Aussie. At the end of the day, you are in Japan. Respect the people, respect the polite Japanese way. Sure, have a good time and tear up the powder, do your best with the ladies (you’ll only fail with Goldy in the house) and have a night out. But if you can’t drink, then don’t drink. If you want to carry on like a clown, go work at the circus. Happy skiing, punters.
Q: Stirls, where is the best party on Australia Day? I really just want to know where you are going to be. P.S. If it helps, I’m a cougar. -Susie, Australia.
A: Susie, the best party is back at Stirls’ place at the end of the night. It’s strictly invite-only, but there are usually a lot of tickets reserved for the ladies. Not sure 48 beers is enough to downgrade your cougar stakes, but you never know, 2010 may be your lucky year. As Stirl’s says: “Once you’ve touched Gold, you’ll never grow old.”
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