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Men Who Ride Mountains: Backpuntry

By 6th March 2010June 20th, 2022Articles, Men Who Ride Mountains
Niseko Stirling Goldman 02
SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman

HAILING from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.

 

SO, another fortnight and yet another demand from the nobodies at Powderlife for an article to keep their magazine ticking. That’s right… S. Goldman back for your reading pleasure… and other pleasures for the ladies.

This edition, I thought I’d talk about the backcountry. More particularly, punters in the backcountry. A practice I like to call backpuntry. It’s a cardinal sin. Last week I was carving a few lines somewhere of the edges of Moiwa. I had a few buddies tagging along for the ride. None of them have my ability nor good looks, but they all want to be like me so I allowed them to cut a few turns with me… at a 50m distance, just so the magazine pictures weren’t tainted by them.

Anyway, back to my story. We found a 3m cornice that, after inspection, was deemed safe, stable, and screaming to be hucked. A bit like the ladies screaming to be pleasured after inspection by Goldman during the après. After all, after dropping cliffs in Antarctica and Alaska for years, a 3m cornice is child’s play for Goldie. So we decided to hit it, mainly to allow my buddies to hype it up in the bar when recapping the story later than night attempting to do their best with my off-castes.

But I digress, again. Just before I took off, I noticed what I thought were the usual groupies standing on the same cornice waiting. Being a gentlemen, I asked if they were going to hit it first and asked if they would like honours. All I received was an aggressive reply telling me jumping off cornices was too dangerous. They obviously did not know who I am or what I’ve done, so I hucked and their jaws dropped. Punters in awe again. It’s a common theme. But my question is what is it about these punters in the backcountry who have been through a gate in Niseko once and they feel they want to lecture everyone in earshot on backcountry safety? I wonder if they tap on people’s windows at traffic lights and tell them to put their seatbelts on, like the helicopter pilot in Antarctica telling me the slope was ‘too steep’?

Now don’t get me wrong, Stirls is all about safety when in backcountry, and I was just discussing this over a beer or 48 with Shinya-san last week. “Do these blokes think everyone else aside from them is an idiot,” I asked. “They mean well,” replied Shinya-san, “…but this is real sport, and there is danger involved as you well know, Goldman-san. You must remember, there are not many who can do the things you can.” Shinya-san is always great to pull me back to earth. So SG loves to get deep – with the ladies, and the pow, but has no time for backpuntry. If you aren’t up to the challenge, don’t take it.

Got a question for a man who knows? Fire it to [email protected]

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