SATIRE
By Stirling Goldman
Hailing from the extreme terrain of Mt Baw Baw in Australia, Stirling Goldman was bred on waist-deep, man-made powder and extra steep chutes. Stirling has conquered the most beastly mountains across the world, and recently moved to Niseko. He soon sensed that both local and international punters needed to be taught a thing or two and luckily for us, has decided to settle here for good. Stirling Goldman: a man who rides mountains.
Well, here we go again. It’s season 09-10, and sure enough, another season of Niseko powder. And what comes with Niseko pow – apart from the usual ladies, beers and hours of deep and steep – is the poverty-stricken punters at Powderlife coming back to old SG, moaning about how their paltry mag can’t get by without me. But you can’t blame them, as their readers are begging for me (especially their four female readers).
Stirls is not a newbie to being wanted. It’s the usual story: “Yes, I’ll ski in your pansy mag for the photo shoot…but only on my 210 Blizzards. Yes, I’ll be the face of Mt Baw Baw… again. Yes, I’ll escort you home and go in for that ‘coffee’…again.”. And to the boys at Powderlife , “Yes, I’ll be back and lift your filthy, dreary mag up from its murky depths.”
So, this time of year my numerous adoring fans in Niseko want to know what I’ve been up to in the off-season. I tell them, there is no real off-season for SG. Ripping up the mountain, downing 48 beers a night and winning over the ladies are duties that are always calling…and Stirls is the man to front up to that type of commitment. It comes with the territory of an Adonis-like body, flowing locks and an ability to ski like no other.
Once the 08-09 Niseko winter wound down, it was a lazy trip to Alaska for filming heli-skiing movies in hi-def on my 210s, and a fling on the side with a governor and her barely legal daughter. Still got it, baby!
Then it was back to Baw Baw for the opening of a new ski school they opened in my name, Stirls’ Shredding School TM, designed to teach the young punters how to ski with style on some decent skis – 210 blizzards with rear entry Nordicas. For there’s no wimpy parabolics allowed at SSS.
From there it was off on a sponsor-funded tour of Southern Hemisphere ski resorts: Australia, NZ, Argentina and, of course, Antarctica. Stirls carved his big ‘S’ in all of them, and their female residents, not to mention their now severely depleted beer supplies.
But when the weather warms up down south, the pull of Niseko becomes stronger and the ladies start chanting. It’s back to business as usual. I don’t even need to say what that is. You already know. Welcome back to Niseko, baby!
Q. I’ve been skiing since I was five years old and I feel like I’m in need of something new. My mates are all snowboarding and I’m thinking about giving it a go. Do you have any advice? Doug 23, London.
Yes Doug, I have advice. Snowboarding is for punters. Do you really want to be like those losers at Powderlife? Do you really want to never attract ladies? Not that you will with me in Niseko. But Dougie, give yourself half a chance at least and stay on the skis. If you learn to ski powder like I do you won’t be looking for something new, except a fresh pack of condoms!